Oliver Douglas.....The Second???
Just got this email from our friend in South Dakota on his mowing progress:
"Triple Check"
If you have ever used an electric fence you should read this. Or
even if you haven't. The language used is a bit smutty and/or coarse, but
'he tells it like it is' without cursing (well, maybe a little bit of
cursing)
If you don't laugh hysterically at this... CHECK YOUR PULSE... This
is funny.... And true. This was sent by a retired lawyer.
"We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months
ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To
make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a
single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made
for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, and drove it
7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have
in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew
for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire
and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right
hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside
down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front
side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs
&Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at
one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit
lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical
impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg
to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a "Matrix" kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and
BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were
minutes in between but in reality
it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block
Chevy turning 9.5 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding
onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad
always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever
that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
acepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river btom soil.
At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it,
until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please
die ... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam
idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting
for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of June, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me
that day ... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the
misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ...
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was
beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on
the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in
the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad
as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking
of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence,
I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple
check before I mow.
Sincerely,
Richard Pearson, (ret.).
