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I met a fairy today that would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine" I said, "I want to die after the Buffalo Bills win the Super Bowl!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.... You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently.
"I think you're bad luck. Get the hell away from me."
A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit
A great white shark was showing his son how to hunt humans. The father says, " First you pop your dorsal fin above the water and then you circle them for a few minutes" The son asks his father," why do we have to circle them for a few minutes?" The father shark replies, " because they taste better without shit in them!"
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A woman goes into Wal-mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-mart associate standing there with dark glasses on. She asks, "Excuse me sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it all on the counter anyway.
He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was she. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She asks, "But didn't you say it was $20?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"
A customer walks in to a store and asks the first clerk he sees, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me
ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would
you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if
I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you
ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well
then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish - because I asked for
Polish sausage?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
Here's a good joke for the thread...
I hunted muskies all year.
I perfected my technique of photographing muskies caught by others in the boat.
ROFL
A man discovers a bottle and releases a genie that has been trapped inside for over 1,000 years. The genie of coarse is very grateful and offers to grant the man anything he wishes for. He tells the genie how he always wanted to visit Hawaii but has a fear of flying so asks the genie to build a bridge there. The genie tells him this is impossible, surely there is another wish that you desire. The man says, well I always wanted to understand women... the genie then interrupts and says, you want that bridge to be 2 lanes or 4.
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree... 25 to life would be appropriate. -- Jay Leno
America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. -- Jay Leno
Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
-- Conan O'Brien
What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A fund raiser. -- Jay Leno
What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary? One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners. -- David Letterman
If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? America !
-- Jimmy Fallon
What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo? Bo has papers. -- Jimmy Kimmel
What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program? It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
Red, those were some good ones!
I went to my gorgeous,young Lady doctor yesterday for my annual check up! She walks in to the room and says, Mr. Gilmore the first thing you need to do is stop the masturbating! I said but doctor, WHY? She says "Because I'm trying to examine you"!!! :D
I'm out yesterday for my daily walk! The route I take goes right through a cemetary. As I'm walking I see a guy croutched down behind a tombstone. I say to him as I pass by "Morning" He says back to me "No, taking a crap" :eek:
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... “Will you marry me?”
The Princess said “NO!”
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. :D
The End
Brian
Not a real joke but close enough...........
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A Brazilian court ruled this week that McDonald's must pay a former franchise manager $17,500 because he gained 65 pounds (30 kilograms) while working there for a dozen years.
The 32-year-old man said he felt forced to sample the food each day to ensure quality standards remained high, because McDonald's hired "mystery clients" to randomly visit restaurants and report on the food, service and cleanliness.
The man also said the company offered free lunches to employees, adding to his caloric intake while on the job. His identity was not released.
The ruling was signed Tuesday by Judge Joao Ghisleni Filho in Porto Alegre.
Ghisleni said McDonald's could appeal the case, and the Brazilian headquarters of the chain said in an e-mailed statement Thursday it was weighing its legal options.
McDonald's also noted that it offers healthier food choices.
"The chain offers a large variety of options and balanced menus to cater (to) the daily dietary needs of its employees," the company said in the statement.
McDonald's headquarters is in Oak Brook, Illinois.
The rules of rural Pennsylvania are as follows:
1. Let's get this straight: it's called a "dirt road." No matter how
slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
2. They are cattle. They're live steaks or walking milk bottles. That's
why they smell funny to you, get over it. Don't like it? I-80 goes east
and west, I-81 goes north and south. Pick one.
3. Pull your droopy pants up, you look like an idiot.
4. Put your baseball hat right, your head isn't crooked. If you don't want to do that, DO NOT WEAR ONE!!!
5. So you have a $60,000 car, we're NOT impressed. We have $150,000 corn
pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in rural Pennsylvania waves. We think of it as being
friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and three does are
coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't
have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat scrapple, pot pie, funnel cakes, haluskie, pierogies,
shoo-fly pie, apple butter, chow-chow, and schnitz un knepp. Don't like
the sound of them or the names freak you out because you never saw a
"Bon Appetit" article on them? Great, more for us!
9. The "opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
holiday held on the Monday after Thanksgiving.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of
age.
11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak, or you
can order the chef's salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats
(includes fish), vegetables, and breads. We use four spices: salt,
pepper, hot sauce, and Heinz ketchup. Oh, yeah... we don't care what you
folks in Jersey call that stuff you eat. It's not real chili.
13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served
over ice.
14. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to
shoot, and have long hair.
15. College and high school football are as important here as the
Steelers and Eagles and a lot more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards--- it
spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have state universities,
community colleges, and vo-techs. They come outta' there with an
education plus a love for God and Country. They still wave at everybody
when they come home for the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of folks who have been in the Army, Navy, Air
Force, Marines and Coast Guard - - PA has one of the highest percentages
of veterans in the entire country. So don't mess with us. If you do, you
will get whipped by the best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump-thump stuff
is not music anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to
see your underware.- - - Refer back to # 3.
20. Four inches isn't a blizzard-- it's a flurry. Drive like you got some
sense, and don't take all our bread, milk and toilet paper from the
grocery stores. You're not in Alaska. Worst case you may have to live a
whole day without your croissants. The pickups with snow plows will have
you out the next day.
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
Cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
Hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
Say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
To be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
Make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
ReplyReply AllMove...
Do you know whats the difference between a wicker basket and a wicker box?
A wicker basket is usually kept in the bathroom with soaps or potpourri.
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Wicker box is what Elmer Fudd does on Saturday nights to his girlfriend! :LOL:
I heard some disturbing news today...evidently Jeff Reed tried to hang himself last night because of being let go by the Steelers.
He survived however due to his inability to kick the chair out from under himself. :D
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter
how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner
voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry
about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with
one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back
to reality,
"Howard. You're a veterinarian!"
Boobs vs. Willies
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
Kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
Phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how
Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
Three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'
Would You Remarry?
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>
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> A husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when
> the wife looks over at him and asks the question.
>
> Wife: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'
>
> Husband: 'Definitely not!'
>
> Wife: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
>
> Husband: 'Of course I do.'
>
> Wife: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'
>
> Husband: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'
>
> Wife: ' You would? (with a hurt look)
>
> Husband: Groans
>
> Wife: 'Would you live in our house?'
>
> Husband: 'Sure. It's a great house.'
>
> Wife: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'
>
> Husband: 'Where else would we sleep?'
>
> Wife: 'Would you let her drive my car?'
>
> Husband: 'Probably. It is almost new.'
>
> Wife: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'
>
> Husband: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'
>
> Wife: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'
>
> Husband: 'No.. I'm sure she'd want her own.'
>
> Wife: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'
>
> Husband: 'Yes. Those are always good times.'
>
> Wife: 'Would she use my clubs?'
>
> Husband: 'No. She's left-handed.'
>
> Wife: - silence –
>
> Husband: ' . . . Darn.'
My wife and I were at home watching television.
I had the remote and was switching back & forth between a fishing channel
and the porn channel.
She became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For God's sake! LEAVE IT ON THE PORN CHANNEL!
*You already know how to fish!"*
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A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Toothbrushes
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a
talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath
... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.
"$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"
Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something shitty, but looks good, for free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth." The teacher was speechless. .. . . . . . ..
Little Johnny got 5 stars for his efforts, bless his heart. . ..
VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there..
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
The two finalists were a Yale graduate and a redneck. The final contest was for them to make a poem in 2 minutes containing a word that would be given to them by the judges. The word was "TIMBUKTU".
The Yale graduate was the first to give his poem:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.
The audience went wild. They thought the redneck would never stand a chance against him-a YALE graduate.
Nevertheless, the redneck stood up and gave his poem:
Me and Tim a hunting went,
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down.
During a visit to her doctor, the doctor comments that the womans "area" is the largest he has ever seen, by far. he said " you are healthy as a horse, and don't be offended, but that is the largest " area" i have ever seen, by far."
This bothers her immensley, and she thinks about it the whole way home. After she gets home, she thinks about it some more, until she can't take it any more. She says to herself " I gotta see what I'm dealing with here." So she gets a large mirror and lays it on the floor. then she strips down naked and straddles the mirror so she can see what the doctor was talking about.
Right in the middle of examining her "area", her husband walks in the door unexpectedley. " what in the hell are you doing?" he asks her. Unable to think of anything, she blurts out "uhh............I'm doing aerobics!" "well, just watch you don't fall through that hole in the floor." he says.
Really not all that funny when you want to run the Boat.
My big outboard sucks it up.
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind LickManeuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane..
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
_____________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand
him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman,
you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die...
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting
that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the
beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING
YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
My Pet Fish
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish??"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of horse sh-t....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:
Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
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His Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.
His Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.